My life has come to a standstill. Only a few days ago there was me and my family getting my husband through stage 4 throat cancer to a clear pet test. Life actually felt semi normal again. I had not been feeling well since halloween but even though i was having bouts of daily explosive diarrhea I was still not concerned. After all i had a check up with my primary dec 2. By the time i saw her i was on a constant regimen of dail anti diarrhea pills.Even those were not working at that point. I was reluctant to get a colonoscopy at that time because i had no idea how i was going to stop going to the restroom long enough to do the test.. they suggegested diapers. Well let me tell you diapers do nothing for explosive diarrhea! I agreed to do a cat scan. That was horrible trying to drink the required fluids to get test done accurately but i knew it would be fast. AT that point I was feeling pretty weak from constant bowel movements. So when i made a mad dash for the toilet barely making it I turned around to look in toilet bowl to see if I was still bleeding when I lost my balance and fell hard. I was lying on ground having to use toilet,crying, and realizing I was going to need an ambulance to get to the hospital for my broken ankle. Although while there I found out I had ulcerative colitis. made sense to me. Got some medications and an appointment with an gastro dr to do colonoscopy. They decided to take biopsys while doing procedure. At that point I didn not care I would be out already anyway and I knew I was not going back. Medication seemed to help some but having constant bowel problems with a broken ankle set with screws was an impossible task.Still I was better I knew I had something with a name finally. One week to the day my gastro dr. called me and I got the chills up my spine. He proceded to tell me I had mantle cell lymphoma. Still I did not realize that was a form of cancer. He proceded to tell me it was in my colon and my upper gi track. He told me to see an oncologist right away. There it was that horribble word i recognized immediately. CANCER. I looked up what mantle cell lymphoma was and started to cry! I had been through these emotions with my husband. I had to come to terms with his mortality already. Now my own.When I looked cancer up I discovered how rare it is. Apparently one day my cells decided to split wrong. No one understands why. There seems to be no set treatment for this cancer and after so many rounds of chemo you probably end up having a stem cell transplant. Can you imagine I might die before my husband. I also have stage 4 cancer because of its location in my gut. Nasty place to cure cancer. Wednesday I go in for 8 hours of chemo. Seems like a long time. Repeated in 28 day cycles. I am frightened by the unknown and the knowledge I already have. To say I am pissed would be an understatement. I wish I could tell you that I was gracefully taking the diagnosis but that would be untrue. I have more upset moments than calm ones. What will happen? Will I be around for my grandchildren? I had planned on being around for my family. I can only assume everyone with the horrible diagnosis of CANCER fells the same way. I realize a positive outlook is critical. I can only strive to get there. I would love to hear from anyone with this type of cancer or anyone who wants to vent like me. As I sit here my stomach is rolling,making loud noises and I still have to go to the bathroom.I feel like we loose part of our dignity with this disease. I fear whats to come but I am determined to tell you all the good, bad and ugly of this journey. I hope I do not embark upon it alone. We need people to talk to now more than ever. I still bleed when I use the restroom. That can not be good! I will continue to post. I hopefully will help not only myself but also some of you out there. I will be brutally honest on this journey. So until my next post which will be soon maybe daily I hope this has helped someone else understand what is happening in our lives when we receive this cancer diagnosis over the phone from a doctor.Not the way they tell you on t.v.Who the hell would want you in their office breaking down? I would not! I am less than a week into diagnosis so let us see where this journey takes us. Until next post I wish everyone good health. Is that too much for us to ask for?